The business I had bought was another town away, about an hour and a half drive, the commute was becoming more and more tedious. I decided that a small apartment would allow me to stay in the city of my business for a day or more avoiding that commute. This opened a door for me to take advantage of the wonderful services that this new town had to offer.
Several months my light bulb had flickered, and finally I was in a position to seek out help. I spent a week interviewing several therapist. I didn't think about it when I made all the appointments. But I should've spread them out more. Each day of the week I had an appointment with a different therapist. That was a mentally exhausting week.
By the end of the week I chose a therapist that I felt comfortable with. And had good rates as well. On our first appointment we began hashing out my childhood. Which revealed some things I had never realized before. It is truly amazing how our childhood stays with us.
I learned quickly that even though I had a fairly normal childhood, my parents many times over, reinforced that I was not valuable. When I was between about 4-7 I was molested by a teen boy on my street, multiple times. At one point I told my mom, whose response was, "Don't do that, that is not good, if he wants you to do that again, tell him no and leave." I could tell she was not happy about the situation, but police were not called, my father was not told, at least I don't think he was, and it was never spoke of again. That was the more extreme case of not being valued. It sent a clear message, that I was responsible for the future of that situation.
My father was from a generation of meat and potatoes. He was good at discipline, a little too good. When I was young, I found myself more scared of him than anything. But neither of my parents really instilled in me the need to set boundaries or standards. In my house I learned that there was a price to pay for relationships with your parents. If I didn't please my mom, I usually got the silent treatment, but it was never talked about. If I didn't please my dad, then it was the willow brach or a grounding as I became older.
As a teen, I did what most teen girls do, whose father doesn't step up to the plate. Teen girls that lack good fathers or good father figures, look for what they are missing, usually in the form of guys. They become promiscuous, basically self destructive. A good father communicates, set standards, helps the daughter set boundaries, makes her feel secure and confident.
Looking back now, I can see how the lack of value in my own life and lack of real solid boundaries allowed me to turn into a doormat. While I spent my life doing for others, and sacrificing for others, husband and kids included, I didn't realize when people were actually taking advantage. Or using me to achieve their own selfish desires.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
The Ultimatum
Marriage is about give and take, right? Of course, all relationships are about give and take. But what if you find yourself giving and giving and giving, until you are exhausted. That was me. I sucked it up and did what I thought I was suppose to do in my marriage.
In December I bought a business, and on January 1st, I hit the ground running. Up until that point I had not worked two and a half years. This was a new endeavor and my husband supported me 100%, as did my children. I loved being able to work from home. Everything was going well.
Six months into my venture I needed to shift my attention from gaining new clients and getting to know everyone, to more traveling. I went out of town for a couple of days, returned home and a few days later left again, this time for 5 days. Typically I knew that I'd probably only be gone occasionally, but maybe a couple of days at a time.
After I returned home from my 5 day travel to Atlanta, my husband seemed annoyed at the least. Just as we started discussing the issue. My phone rang and it was a business call, I had been trying to reach this person all day. I told my husband I needed to take the call, it would just take a moment. This irritated him further and he left the room.
After my call, I apologized and told him the situation. It didn't matter. He was angry. He demanded to know how long "this" would go on. I said, "You knew going in to this it would take allot of my time, especially the first year." I thought he supported me, and he did, until my business started affecting him. He demanded that I tell him when this traveling and amount of time I devoted to the business would stop. I didn't know how long it would take to get the business to the level it needed to be at. He said, "I need a time frame, if you can't give me one then I'm outta here" I said maybe another 6 moths to year, I don't know.
It was that moment when my lightbulb flickered. Something was wrong. I had been with this man 20 plus years. And been though the ups and downs of his job for years. His depression when we were at a low, his disconnection with the kids and me when he hit those lows in his job. The pep talks I would give him. It was not his fault, he was doing all he could. I stood by his side, through no money, bankruptcy, sickness and health, til death do you part...not once did I give him an ultimatum. Not once did I consider leaving because things were tough. We were in this boat together.
But now, 6 months into my business, and two trips later, this man, my husband was giving me an ultimatum. Threatening to leave. Angry because my business was affecting his life. I was in shock. Really I was completely blown away. Over the next few hours I could not believe that after all the years of standing by him, that his support was so self centered. I support you unless it affects me.
He did come back later and apologized for his behavior and the ultimatum. But the damage had been done. And my light bulb continued to flicker.
In December I bought a business, and on January 1st, I hit the ground running. Up until that point I had not worked two and a half years. This was a new endeavor and my husband supported me 100%, as did my children. I loved being able to work from home. Everything was going well.
Six months into my venture I needed to shift my attention from gaining new clients and getting to know everyone, to more traveling. I went out of town for a couple of days, returned home and a few days later left again, this time for 5 days. Typically I knew that I'd probably only be gone occasionally, but maybe a couple of days at a time.
After I returned home from my 5 day travel to Atlanta, my husband seemed annoyed at the least. Just as we started discussing the issue. My phone rang and it was a business call, I had been trying to reach this person all day. I told my husband I needed to take the call, it would just take a moment. This irritated him further and he left the room.
After my call, I apologized and told him the situation. It didn't matter. He was angry. He demanded to know how long "this" would go on. I said, "You knew going in to this it would take allot of my time, especially the first year." I thought he supported me, and he did, until my business started affecting him. He demanded that I tell him when this traveling and amount of time I devoted to the business would stop. I didn't know how long it would take to get the business to the level it needed to be at. He said, "I need a time frame, if you can't give me one then I'm outta here" I said maybe another 6 moths to year, I don't know.
It was that moment when my lightbulb flickered. Something was wrong. I had been with this man 20 plus years. And been though the ups and downs of his job for years. His depression when we were at a low, his disconnection with the kids and me when he hit those lows in his job. The pep talks I would give him. It was not his fault, he was doing all he could. I stood by his side, through no money, bankruptcy, sickness and health, til death do you part...not once did I give him an ultimatum. Not once did I consider leaving because things were tough. We were in this boat together.
But now, 6 months into my business, and two trips later, this man, my husband was giving me an ultimatum. Threatening to leave. Angry because my business was affecting his life. I was in shock. Really I was completely blown away. Over the next few hours I could not believe that after all the years of standing by him, that his support was so self centered. I support you unless it affects me.
He did come back later and apologized for his behavior and the ultimatum. But the damage had been done. And my light bulb continued to flicker.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Women and Rubies - The Lightbulb Flickered
Women, do you feel like your life is not what you thought it would be? Or maybe you feel short changed, making too many wrong decisions, that your alone even in a room filled with family and friends, unappreciated and taken for granted, or even a bit confused or hopeless...or maybe you think your life is normal, but you have noticed that you are giving more than anyone else on a consistent basis.
Most women feel some of these things occasionally or maybe you feel this way often. I know I have. For years I felt these things, never really understanding why. It wasn't until one day when my husband gave me an ultimatum. The light bulb flickered, not full on, but enough to say, "wait a minute, something is not right here."
I decided that my life, not only wasn't what I had hoped it to be, but that something was off, unbalanced, just down right out of kilter. For the longest time I thought I was being a good wife, mother, daughter, and friend. I grew up believing that with every relationship there was a price to pay. That it was just the way life was. You suck it up and do what you have to do.
This was the beginning of my journey, to find out the answers, the reason behind my flickering lightbulb. After researching psychologists in my area, I interviewed several, and decided on one. I thought maybe an objective and educated therapist just might help me find that answers I was searching for.
So my journey began....
Most women feel some of these things occasionally or maybe you feel this way often. I know I have. For years I felt these things, never really understanding why. It wasn't until one day when my husband gave me an ultimatum. The light bulb flickered, not full on, but enough to say, "wait a minute, something is not right here."
I decided that my life, not only wasn't what I had hoped it to be, but that something was off, unbalanced, just down right out of kilter. For the longest time I thought I was being a good wife, mother, daughter, and friend. I grew up believing that with every relationship there was a price to pay. That it was just the way life was. You suck it up and do what you have to do.
This was the beginning of my journey, to find out the answers, the reason behind my flickering lightbulb. After researching psychologists in my area, I interviewed several, and decided on one. I thought maybe an objective and educated therapist just might help me find that answers I was searching for.
So my journey began....
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