Where to Begin

   The business I had bought was another town away, about an hour and a half drive, the commute was becoming more and more tedious. I decided that a small apartment would allow me to stay in the city of my business for a day or more avoiding that commute. This opened a door for me to take advantage of the wonderful services that this new town had to offer.

Several months my light bulb had flickered, and finally I was in a position to seek out help. I spent a week interviewing several therapist. I didn't think about it when I made all the appointments. But I should've spread them out more. Each day of the week I had an appointment with a different therapist. That was a mentally exhausting week.

By the end of the week I chose a therapist that I felt comfortable with. And had good rates as well. On our first appointment we began hashing out my childhood. Which revealed some things I had never realized before. It is truly amazing how our childhood stays with us.

I learned quickly that even though I had a fairly normal childhood, my parents many times over, reinforced that I was not valuable. When I was between about 4-7 I was molested by a teen boy on my street, multiple times. At one point I told my mom, whose response was, "Don't do that, that is not good, if he wants you to do that again, tell him no and leave." I could tell she was not happy about the situation, but police were not called, my father was not told, at least I don't think he was, and it was never spoke of again. That was the more extreme case of not being valued. It sent a clear message, that I was responsible for the future of that situation.

My father was from a generation of meat and potatoes. He was good at discipline, a little too good. When I was young, I found myself more scared of him than anything. But neither of my parents really instilled in me the need to set boundaries or standards. In my house I learned that there was a price to pay for relationships with your parents. If I didn't please my mom, I usually got the silent treatment, but it was never talked about. If I didn't please my dad, then it was the willow brach or a grounding as I became older.

As a teen, I did what most teen girls do, whose father doesn't step up to the plate. Teen girls that lack good fathers or good father figures, look for what they are missing, usually in the form of guys. They become promiscuous, basically self destructive. A good father communicates, set standards, helps the daughter set boundaries, makes her feel secure and confident.

Looking back now, I can see how the lack of value in my own life and lack of real solid boundaries allowed me to turn into a doormat. While I spent my life doing for others, and sacrificing for others, husband and kids included, I didn't realize when people were actually taking advantage. Or using me to achieve their own selfish desires.